I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
