She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize