Your face is a jimmy john
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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