Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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