Tell her to GTFO!!!!! JAI HO!!!!!
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
