so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Randomize
