Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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