there's paper in my vomit.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
