sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
that's an acceptable place to lick
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
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