All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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