I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Randomize
