Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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