listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
