i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
