My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
