Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
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