I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
P.S. I can't hear my feet
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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