My sheets look like a crime scene.
Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
