I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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