some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
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