I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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