He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
