Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
