God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Randomize
