i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize