Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
