if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Randomize
