it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Randomize
