we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
