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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
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