he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Randomize
