so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
