Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize