yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
We need to get me chipped asap
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
