if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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