My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
