I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
