toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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