My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Randomize
