Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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