I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
