Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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