Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
