I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
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