took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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