You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
porn star boner night. come get it.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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