My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
