so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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