i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
