Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
