No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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