you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
