I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
