apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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