i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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