So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Randomize
