you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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