Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
