Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
Randomize
