There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
