Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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