im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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