Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
